Highlights for Don’t Abandon Yourself
- Celebrating my 50th podcast episode!
- How do you abandon your own self? (0:30)
- Why we abandon ourselves (2:15)
- Choosing ourselves (3:25)
- Three holidays gifts for you from me (and you!) (6:00)
- Set boundaries (6:20)
- Savor self-care (8:35)
- Watch your mouth (12:30)
- Remember, your body is listening (15:00)
- Let’s wrap it up… 🎁 (18:20)
- Play Dysfunctional Family Bingo! (18:35)
Don’t Abandon Yourself
This is the 50th episode of my Find Your Feisty Podcast. FIFTY – as in 5 – 0!!!! I’m so excited to have hit this milestone! Thank you for being with me along the way to more confidence, self-love, and not giving a crap what anyone thinks about you!
How Do You Abandon Your Own Self?
As always, I’m constantly working on myself. Recently, I decided to create a new morning routine because I deserve one hour each morning to start my day off right.
I had it all lined up, I was flexible as to the order, but I knew exactly what I wanted to happen. And it had been happening, and it was about to happen again…
But then I got a phone call. Someone asked for my help, and the minute I hung up, I started working on what they asked me for.
I had just committed to my new routine! The words had literally just come out of my mouth 5 minutes before.
That’s when I had a major a-ha! moment. I always abandon myself whenever someone else needs something. I put myself last on the list. (It’s SO sad…)
I was floored. I’d just created this peaceful morning routine that I’m in love with, and yet, the first chance I got, I abandoned myself.
HOLY SHIT! I have been doing this my whole life…
Why We Abandon Ourselves
I realized that I LOVE the praise that I get from hearing, “You’re so fast!” or “You’re so efficient!” or “You’re so amazing!”
I love that feedback, but it’s just another example of how I seek external validation for my worthiness. But now I see what I’ve been doing … I’m on to myself now. But why do I do it?
Because it works for me!
It served me very well in my career, where I always made sure that my customers’, bosses’, and coworkers’ needs were always met with an insane quickness and efficiency.
It paid off, and it served me well – but that quickness and diligence came at my own expense.
Sigh. I can’t unsee this craziness. So, now what…?
I had to make a choice, and I purposely and consciously chose me then pried myself off that request. I stopped doing what I was asked to do, and it was not easy.
I kept telling myself, “It will just take 15 minutes…” – as if I was negotiating with a parent to stay up for “…just 5 more minutes, pleeease??” – but that’s never how it works. The next thing I know, 3 hours have gone by, and I haven’t brushed my hair or my teeth!
Their request didn’t need to be completed immediately … it wasn’t an emergency. But I went to my old internal rule to “beat the call,” as I refer to it – getting something completed before it’s even asked for.
The request wasn’t urgent or necessary, but when I treat everything like it’s more important than I am, it’s very easy to jump to something else.
After more back and forth than I care to admit, I chose myself. I chose to go back to my morning plan … to invest in myself. And you know what? Everybody benefits from my morning routine because I’m a better version of myself when I take the time to invest in myself.
That morning, I decided to finish what I wanted to do, and when I was done, then I would finish the request. Which I did…
And no one knew except me!
Three Holiday Gifts for You from Me (and You!)
As we roll into this holiday season, I want to give you 3 things to help you not abandon yourself. I know all too well how easy it is to keep giving in and giving in and giving in until you never get what you need.
Decide what you will and will not do.
COVID is forcing people to put up boundaries where there hadn’t been any. Don’t abandon what is right for you just because other people have made different choices. Everyone gets to make their own choices, including you. Once you make the decision for yourself, everything gets a lot easier.
For example, I won’t eat at a restaurant, but I will go pick up takeout. I will allow certain people in my house if they follow certain guidelines. I will visit with people outside, but I won’t go into anyone’s home.
Whether you communicate the boundary to others or not isn’t as important as your knowing where your boundaries are. And if you do choose to communicate it to others, do so easily and without any stress – no need to yell about it.
This is something I really want you to remember: the only people who don’t like your boundaries are the people benefiting from you not having any.
Let that sink in.
Once you set boundaries, you’ll know who’s taking advantage of you and enjoying your lack of boundaries. When they throw a fit – and trust and believe me, someone will – you can now view that differently.
They’re not pitching a fit because you’ve done something wrong, they’re throwing a tantrum because they’re not getting their way!
To me, that was life-changing!
Create a routine. Honor yourself by committing to the routine, no matter how short or small. I’ve started meditating each morning, and it’s helped me stay focused, balanced, and aligned.
Exercise. Any kind that makes you happy for any time interval you like – even a short 5-minute walk is better than nothing. Consider moving for fun rather than to “right the wrong” of what you ate. Stop punishing yourself. What is possible when we stop the punishment? Think about it: What else could you do with all of that energy?
Eat delicious food. There’s no good food or bad food – there’s just food. Eat what your body wants, not what your mind is telling you. That’s easier said than done for some people (and by ‘some people,’ I mean me 😊 … this is my work in the world, people!) Some days I’m not as successful as I’d like to be, but I eat without permission from others, punishment, or remorse.
Enjoy skincare. This doesn’t have to be a long, crazy routine. I feel better by just putting moisturizer on my face. Putting an effort into making my skin feel better makes me feel better overall.
Enjoy a shower or bath. What makes you feel luxurious? What towels, products, or music (or silence) could you incorporate into showering or bathing that would make your day?
3. Watch Your Mouth
This is the time of year when women are constantly commenting on how much weight they’ve gained or how much horrible food they’ve consumed and blah blah blah … grrrr, it drives me insane. It serves no purpose, and it’s a destructive conversation.
Little girls (and little boys) are listening to what you’re saying, and you’re teaching them to hate their bodies. Is that the example you want to be setting? Do you want to set the example that their value is tied to their weight? I hope not! But that’s what we’re doing when we engage in those conversations.
You don’t know what people are battling. Someone might have an eating disorder and be damaged by that conversation. Or maybe someone struggles with their body image, and this kind of conversation can be devastating.
Women often join in because it’s expected for them to trash themselves and their bodies. How in the hell did this become the norm?
I don’t know, but I’m here to disrupt the norm – NO MORE TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR BODY!
Here’s an idea … how about just enjoying the food or the company or the moment? What would that be like?
When we put ourselves down, our bodies are listening.
Remember, Your Body Is Listening
You’re talking about how much you hate a little kid who is, let’s say, 4 or 5 years old. And you go on and on about how much you hate this kid, “They’re so annoying and fat. UGH sooooo fat. Why don’t they just get it together already? Ugghh!”
Now imagine that the little person you were talking about was just around the corner, and their little ears overheard everything you said. And they turned the corner and looked at you with sadness in their eyes, tears welling up because they heard you say that you hated them, they were annoying, and you wished they would just go away.
Do you feel like shit yet?
Well, that’s what you’re doing to yourself. You’re talking shit about yourself to anyone who will listen, and your body and that little girl inside your head hear everything you say, and you’re being so mean.
Your body reacts to that trauma and criticism and punishment by soothing itself somehow, and there’s a high chance that it could be with food … and that just feeds into the cycle.
You would never talk like that about another person, but we do it to ourselves all the time. STOP IT! Only you can stop the verbal abuse you give to yourself.
Awareness is how it stops … most likely you aren’t even aware that you’re doing it, but trust me. Once you make an effort to stop saying mean shit to yourself, you will cringe every time you hear another woman say how fat she is.
Now that I’ve stopped saying that crap to myself, it’s so hard for me to listen to.
Why do women do this? It’s a gross competition that we all get entered into when we’re born – especially if you’re female. We are taught to be small and quiet, and the more invisible we can become, the better.
Don’t speak up! Don’t upset anyone! Don’t be mean or rude! If you’re not small and quiet – you better be working overtime to GET small and quiet.
I say be as loud as you want to be. Take up as much space as you want to. Stop giving your power away to people who are so critical.
Let’s Wrap It Up… 🎁
Don’t abandon yourself. Stand tall in your worthiness.
Be inspirational. Be intentional. Be empowered.
P.S. Download my version of Dysfunctional Family Bingo! This game can put a new spin on old family nonsense.
I use this every year, and it never disappoints. I recently used it for the election, and it was fantastic! I wrote the craziest things I could imagine in the squares, and as they happened, I was actually looking forward to the insanity instead of dreading it.