Highlights for 6 Ways to Boost Your Confidence
- Confidence to the core (0:20)
- 1. Keep a positive perspective (1:15)
- 2. Stay away from negativity (2:50)
- 3. Repeat a positive affirmation every day (5:35)
- 4. Question everything (9:45)
- 5. Stop comparing yourself to other people (14:40)
- 6. Keep a Kick-Ass folder (15:40)
- How about you…? (16:45)
6 Ways to Boost Your Confidence
Today we’re going to talk about confidence!
Confidence is the core of how we move through the world, whether we’re lacking it or have it by the truckload. It is something that we wear every day and use to make every decision.
So, what creates or breaks our confidence?
My short and simple answer: It’s our mind.
We are what we believe we are. We are what we believe other people say that we are. And we are the messages that we interpret from other people – whether correctly or incorrectly.
We are what we choose to believe.
So, here are six different ways to boost your confidence and feel better about yourself by choosing to think differently or choosing to do something differently… (these are in no particular order, by the way.)
1. Keep a Positive Perspective
I really want you to remember that nobody is born not good enough. Nobody is born lacking the ability or the worthiness for love and belonging.
Think about a baby in a hospital nursery – I know that we don’t really get to see babies in nurseries anymore, other than on TV and in movies – but think about babies all swaddled in their little beds that are lined up in a nursery…
Nobody looks at one particular baby and says, “Hey, you back there, in the third row…? Yeah, you are a piece of shit!”
We’re not born unworthy, and yet we can come to feel we’re not worthy, which means that somewhere along the way, we’ve internalized the message that we’re not good enough. And I’m here to tell you right now that we’re just as good enough today as we were the day we were born.
You’re enough because you’re here. You’re enough because you’re worthy of love and belonging. How do I know? Because you’re alive. You’re here, and you have amazing things to accomplish.
Someone in this world needs your skills or your expertise or your viewpoint. Don’t deny the world your worth by shrinking. Show up – and remember that you ARE good enough.
2. Stay Away from Negativity
Don’t buy into negativity; don’t take it on.
This may come as a shock to all of you, but some people like to bitch and complain and judge other people … shocking, I know! 😉
It’s just not helpful, and it’s as harmful to the person who’s doing all the bitching and complaining as it is to the people who hear themselves being bitched and complained about. Complaining and saying negative things are low vibration energies, and they do not promote living a really good life.
The other thing is that people who bitch and complain and judge others are only tearing other people down because they want to feel better about themselves. And tearing you down is a really convenient distraction from their having to face their own life and the things about themselves and their situation that they want to change. The more they tear you down, the less they have to pay attention to themselves.
Some people love negative talk and negative conversations, but the truth is, if it doesn’t make you feel better, it’s a lie. If what somebody said felt like the truth, then it would make you feel better or lighter or inspired.
Negative talk, negative conversations, and negative people don’t ever make anyone feel better – EVER. They all make you feel heavy and sad. So, get rid of negative talk. If you don’t want to be around it, or it doesn’t make you feel better, cut it out. Get away from the people who are being negative. Negativity is toxic. Don’t listen to them. Don’t absorb it.
Don’t absorb other people’s issues, either. People who just want to complain without taking any action…? Sometimes I think they only want sympathy, because they usually don’t take any advice you offer them or take steps towards change, they just sit around having the same negative conversations over and over and over again.
A lot of times, people who want to help, very well-meaning people, can take on other people’s problems. If that sounds like you, know that their problems are not your problems. Sometimes people have to figure things out on their own. I’m not saying you can’t be compassionate, but I am saying that if somebody is unwilling to take steps to make their own life better, don’t take on their issues and make them your own.
3. Repeat a Positive Affirmation Every Day
The first time that I ever witnessed or saw the power in this, I was at a training to become a BARE coach. At the training, we did an Equus workshop, which is like a horse whispering workshop.
At one point, I had an emotional meltdown, and my horse was running around in circles like crazy. The horse was sort of mirroring my own energy because I was having a moment where I didn’t feel good enough to be there and was thinking I was unworthy.
The workshop’s facilitator coached me through it, and at the end of the experience, I got out of the ring with my horse, and the coach said to me, “Pick somebody here who you think is the strongest person,” and I picked this powerhouse – a little woman, but man, was she a powerhouse.
The coach asked the little powerhouse, “What do you think about yourself?” and the woman answered, “I am strong, and I am amazing.” Then the coach asked her to put her arm out to the side, parallel to the ground, and asked her to say it again – “I am strong and amazing.”
When the coach put her hand on the woman’s outstretched arm and tried to push it down to her side … she couldn’t! The coach was a good five inches taller than the woman I picked out as having a strong personality, and it turned out that it wasn’t only her personality that was strong – her arm would not go down!
I was like, “Okaaaay…”
Next, the coach flipped the script. She asked the woman to say I am disgusting and unworthy 10 times. The woman shuddered and was like “Auarrgh…” but the coach said, “No, no, I know you don’t think that, but just go ahead and humor me. Say it 10 times, and I’ll count on my fingers.” The woman said I am disgusting and unworthy 10 times as the coach counted. Then the woman stretched out her arm again, but this time it went down like a limp noodle when the coach tried to push it down.
I was like, “Whaaaat…?”
For me, that demonstration proved that even if you don’t believe the words you say, they have a very powerful effect on your body.
Words are energy, and your body is 60% water, so the vibration of your words reverberates through your body. If the words you say are negative, then they create a negative vibration throughout your body that affects your confidence, how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about other people.
At the end of that horse whispering workshop, the coach offered me an exercise. She said, “I want you to choose a positive affirmation that you say to yourself 25 times, three times a day. That’s 75 times total, whatever your affirmation is.”
I chose I Am Amazing.
I still do it, though not every day. But after the workshop, I did it for months – morning, noon, and night. At 9:00 A.M., 12:00 noon, and 6:00 P.M., every single day, I said 25 times, “I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am amazing…”
Sometimes I even stood up and danced when I did it, and there were times where I didn’t necessarily believe it, but I think, at my core, I always knew that I really am amazing. And let me tell you something … saying something positive over and over, and hearing it over and over, will change the way you feel about yourself.
So, you can steal my positive affirmation – I Am Amazing – or you can come up with your own—
- I am worthy.
- I am smart.
- I am sexy.
- I am talented.
- I am strong.
…whatever positive affirmation you choose, say it aloud 75 times a day. Put it on your calendar, set a reminder … I don’t care what it is you need to do, but try it. Do it for a month, or even just two weeks, and see if it changes the way you feel about yourself.
4. Question Everything
And by “everything” I mean everything in your mind: your rules, your beliefs, your thoughts, and your words.
Question Your Rules
You know the unwritten rules you’ve created for yourself that steer and control your actions and your decisions … your whole life?
Where did they come from? Who gave them to you? And do you want to keep them?
I discovered that I had a rule running around in my mind – which was actually running my life – to always do the right thing BUT don’t ever upset anybody. (I’ve talked about this before.)
I think that, independently, they’re great rules: Always do the right thing … Don’t upset people. But when you combine them, it creates this fucking impossible bind … a task that you can’t ever do. You can’t ever do the right thing AND ALSO expect to never upset anyone. I mean, it’s just crazy-making.
If I had to guess where this rule of mine came from, it was probably from my dad. My dad was very big on doing the right thing, and somewhere along the line, I stitched that together with the Don’t Ever Upset Anybody rule.
I don’t think my dad actually said those two things together or put them together, but that was my interpretation of the rules set out for me to live by.
And again: independently, they’re not bad rules, but you’re going to upset people, so just get over that. That’s just how life is … you can never make everybody happy all the time, so that’s a rule that I’ve pitched. I still always try to do the right thing, but I’ve accepted that sometimes I’m going to make other people unhappy.
You can see how my interpretation of the rules set forth to me and my family really made me crazy. It made me feel like everything was impossible because I couldn’t possibly do the right thing AND YET never upset anybody.
That’s a particular rule that I thank God I looked at and worked with and got to say, “I’m not keeping this. Bye, Felicia! It’s gone.”
Question Your Beliefs
What do you believe, and does it work for you? If not, get rid of it.
An example is that I used to believe I had to be thin in order to be lovable – that’s total bullshit. I didn’t want to keep that one either, so it’s gone.
Question Your Thoughts
When you come upon a judgment or an opinion, ask yourself: “Why do I think that? Is it even true?”
For example, we judge other people when we feel insecure about ourselves. Brené Brown says that if you like the way your butt looks in your jeans, you’re not criticizing anybody else for how their butt looks in their jeans.
So, if you find yourself passing judgment, consider why you think that. Why do you criticize other people? And thinking about Brené Brown’s example, is it even true that their butt doesn’t look good in their jeans? Maybe they think their butt does look good in their jeans, so we have to ask ourselves why we’re thinking that it doesn’t.
Consider why you are judging others, and when you hear yourself saying something negative about someone else, turn it around and think, “Hey, where do I feel insecure about myself?”
Question Your Words
Do you say mean things to yourself? If so, why? And is that helpful?
Here’s a hint: No, it’s not.
I know it’s not helpful because if it were helpful, then we would all have whatever it is that we want. We’d all be supermodels, living in mansions, and wiping our noses with $100 bills.
Well, I don’t know if that’s what you want or not. It’s not necessarily what I want, but you get my point 😊
You can’t hate yourself thin. You can’t make the weight magically melt off your body because your pants don’t fit or because you want to lose weight. If you think that being mean to yourself will accomplish that, I’ve got news for you: the pain of all the crap that we’re saying to ourselves just drives us to the nearest comfort food.
Or maybe we’re driven to drugs or sex or alcohol or shopping, or something else. But the fact is that when we’re not nice to ourselves and we say unkind things, we WILL find something to numb ourselves with.
If you can stop all the negative talk about yourself and others – and especially about yourself – you can actually change your world. It starts with your inner world, and it translates to your outer world.
5. Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People
And that is a full stop!
We compare our bodies and our houses and our kids and our clothes and our spouses and our hair and even our Likes on Facebook. You name it, and we are sizing people up and measuring them against ourselves … and my message for you is: STOP IT NOW.
There is no true comparison because you have no idea what’s going on behind other people’s closed doors. It may look amazing, but you really don’t know what is going on behind the curtain.
You have no idea what’s going on in their house, and you have no idea what’s happening in their head, so keep your eyes on your own paper – Focus on yourself. Focus on your life. Focus on your home, your happiness, your body, your … whatever!
And my last way to feel better about yourself and boost your confidence is to….
6. Keep a Kick-Ass Folder
Kick-Ass is the actual name of a folder I have in my email where I put evidence of when I kicked ass!
I put emails in there that I receive from clients, friends, and people who comment on my blog or podcast. When people send me really nice feedback or they thank me for doing something really well, or when my clients email me to say, “Hey, I had a really great day today because of something that we talked about,” I put their messages in my Kick-Ass folder.
And when I’m having a low moment, doubting myself, or am just not feeling good about myself, I open up that Kick-Ass folder and read all those emails.
And let me tell you something: it is a super confidence booster. I look at the nice moments that I’ve created with people, and the connections I’ve made, and how I’ve helped other people, and it makes me feel so good … I love it!
How About You…?
So, now you have six ways to help yourself feel more confident. They are small steps, but they can make really big changes in how you feel about yourself. And when you feel better, you’re more feisty, and who doesn’t need to be more feisty?
And if you want to build even more confidence, join my 8-week book club! The book is BARE: A 7-Week Program to Transform Your Body, Get More Energy, Feel Amazing, and Become the Bravest, Most Unstoppable Version of You by Susan Hyatt, my mentor, coach, and friend.
I’m looking forward to talking about this book and boosting all our confidence!